Saturday, November 24, 2012

Escape the Hips: Through

At some point, I keep telling myself, I won't be so fragile.

Fragile of mind. Fragile of endurance. Fragile of body.

I tell myself that, but on days like this, when I'm frustrated and crying most of the way home from another soul-killing training session, I don't believe it.

On days like this, I think I'll always be a train wreck on the mat--the one who makes the wrong decision under duress, who pushes her hips the wrong way when drilling a triangle, who doesn't absorb the concept at all, the one who gases before the match begins.

I suppose this is where jiu jitsu teaches you lessons about life and adversity and powering through, but for some reason, I'm just not hearing it lately.

All I hear are those awful things I say to myself when I'm working or when I'm done working. Horrible, awful things you'd never say to another human being, but what flows freely through your mind as you mentally go over the day's mat work.

P gets frustrated with me and tells me that when its the jiu jitsu that stresses me out, I'm doing it wrong. And being the annoying, girly and emotional creature that I am, it makes me even more defeated. I can't even get that part right....such a nasty little web of mental defeat we weave.

I wonder how long this road back is going to be so exhausting. I wonder when the love of learning returns. When the love of rolling, winning and losing both, returns? Days like this, it feels like it won't happen in my lifetime.

Today as I sat crushed to the mat with no way out, I asked myself what I was doing there. In the past, I could fire off an answer immediately. I would tell myself that I'm there to learn. To work. To grow. Today? I couldn't come up with anything. My body hurt. My mind hurt. All I could think was how maybe trying to return to the art was just one, big mistake. And that just hurt my soul something awful.

I can't be the only person who's ever felt lost in jiu jitsu, can I? I like to think that black belts were once people, too. People who felt like nothing worked and they just didn't have what it took to get where they wanted to go? Black belts were once self-doubting mortals who just kept showing up?

That helps when I think about that. Were there times in my jiu jitsu heroes'  past that they just didn't know what they were doing? Maybe Renzo had a bad stretch as a blue belt where he couldn't get out of his own way? (I doubt it, because in my world, Renzo doesn't battle...he just allows you to lose! Ha! Couldn't help slip a little Chuck Norris joke in's one of those days. :) )

Long story short? This road back is awful. Harder than any road back has ever been for me. My time lost on the mat took more than I thought it did....I assumed it was just a physical rebuilding that was necessary, but more and more I am realizing it's a mental rebuild I need to make it back to the Houston Open in February.

I'm not going to be able to bound back to my former self...knowledge or body...and I suppose the quicker I get my mind wrapped around that, the quicker the real work can begin.

Here's to the long road and maybe a few less days being the club manteiga derretida. Yay!


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